how quickly it runs out

have just one more paycheck coming to me while I am on my maternity leave. I lied and told my husband that I just received my last check on the 30th to put a little fire under his ass. I am so anxious about it that I have been obsessing over it all night. I will be out of work for another 8 weeks so I’m not quite sure how we are going to pay the bills. I have to give Helio some credit though. He is working two jobs.
He just left to work at the airport tonight. Its so ironic that he is working there. For years it was the ultimate place to avoid for fear of being deported. Now because he is legal, he is very proud of his airport worker’s badge. Anytime he prepares himself to work on a job there he shows me his badge again. I grin and nod. He is proud of it like Levi is proud of doing a painting in school. It is something to be proud of though. He worked hard to become legal. Or should I say, I worked hard for him to become legal. I filled out the 5 inches thick of paper work, paid the mortgage (sometimes barely) alone for months, and endured the first few months of a second pregnancy with a three year old pretending to throw up beside me. It was me who had to call daily for that last month to beg officials to please resend his lost file. He just had to show up with all the paperwork that myself and our lawyer assembled.
He’s been talking to me which makes a huge difference. The house is calm and pleasant when he does. I haven’t had that feeling like I am dragging him through basic daily tasks lately. Maybe I have mellowed or I am too distracted to care. Maybe its because Rafa showed up a month or so ago and is now working with Helio so he has a friend to talk to. As a result, I feel I have no one to blame for my anxiety about money. He is working two jobs, is at one right now, he is helpful, chatty, and keeps telling me how he loves me. He has been taking the noisey-tense moments with kids all in stride and I haven’t had to yell at him. I don’t know where to go with my fear of losing it all because I am not bringing home a paycheck. I usually just take it out on him because I am not mature enough to find a pleasant outlet for my fears. I guess it serves me right, I will just have to learn how to sit in my fear and allow him to work out some of the details.