I do not fear single parenting

The danger with having been a single parent for nearly a year and a half is I am just not afraid to ever have to do that. At times, I feel sort of nostalgic for the days of no male influence in the house- just me and Levi. All weekend I kept thinking- wouldn't it be great to just sell everything and take Dante and Levi to France or Italy to live. Then I dreamt up a whole new life- I would take as many suitcases as the airlines would allow, rent an apartment in Italy, work in an amazing design firm, and find my happy place. Think of the food, the wine, the smells and the tiny little streets I would fall in love with. Really, how is it that we are supposed to get married and surrender forever to the life you settle into? I keep thinking, I want to fall in love over again. I could fall in love with a city. Perhaps really I am seeking passionate experience, whether that be food, a cityscape, or my relationship with Helio. He can be convinced, I am sure, to make a turn around. I just don't think its my place to do it. Its somewhere in there, he had it once.

running is not a family sport

Honestly, I am making a mediocre effort into running again. It's hard. I went to work today. I don't officially come back from maternity leave until August 27th. I thought I would ease into it by going in a couple days a week until my time runs out. All day I dreaded the workout room but knew I had to make an attempt to run after I put in my 8 hours. Around 5:30 I was sure most of my co-workers were out of the building thus I made my way to the changing rooms. However, upon entry, I found one stragler from work there just newly changed into his work out gear. I walked into the individual changing room and stood there in the dark hoping that he hadn't seen me. Turning on the light, trying to push myself, I caught my reflection and thought, I can't be seen in my neon green shorts, I can't make him witness to my enormous breasts bound up and down as try to act cool on the treadmil. Therefore, I quickly dashed out of there. I don't think he noticed.

I tried to make a quick go of it before the rain started this evening at home. However, my 4 year old has turned into a dedicated athlete lately. If he's not trying to get me to take him bowling or wrap up his wrists like the gymnists on the olympics, he is putting his socks and shoes on to go running. I can't even sneak out of the house without him sobbing that he wants to go too. In order for me to go to out for my daily exercise tonight I had to get the whole family equipped with park gear. I did my best to not complain but I was muttering to myself the whole time in my head. I had thought about sneaking out the back door and just leaving but couldn't even make it back through the house without being found out. I have no place to run in this tiny house we live in. As we were making it to the park I saw dark clouds, lighting in the distance, and could hear rolling thunder approaching. I kept telling myself, I just have to push through.

It all caught up to me. I turned around to run back to Levi on bike, Helio trying to run with the running stroller in his flip flops, and Dante blinking away light sprinkles. I took the baby in the running stroller from Helio in an attempt to speed things along and was rewarded with a downpour. By the time we got home Dante was taking big gulps of air and all I could think of is, this has the uncanny resemblance to waterboarding my infant. He took it all in stride, no tears, but I could see a bit of panic starting to set in. Nothing a little nursing can't cure.

I am going to need to push it up a level. I have to fully commit to running. This half-ass stuff is not getting me anywhere. I need a new game plan or plan of attack in getting out of the house without witness.

leotard

I have finally put my running shoes on and gone out with my ipod on the path that I used to travel with pride- that is, during my running days and minus 20 extra pounds. I have to remind myself that the people around me do not really care about me or the extra poundage swinging side to side as I try to take off the weight. Today was my second day out. My legs are heavy. It feels much harder to run this time than any other time I have taken it back up again. As I was running back home tonight I thought, you know this might be a lot easier if you just bought a nice leotard and wore that under your clothes until the weight comes off. Then I realized, that extra body mass has to spill out somewhere and I would end up with extra ripples up under my armpits. I think that would be even less attractive. For now, I will keep trying to run and not allow myself to repeat over while I run- I hate this or This Sucks or Why is this so fricken hard? It will get better. However, Helio is NOT allowed to make comments. Today as I was complaining that I didn't want to go while lacing up my shoes, he started to tell me, Well, babe, I like it when you have a good body and when you run. I did not speak for I was biting the inside of my cheek thinking, Dude, you can't run down the street without giving up, you don't even try. I just had a baby 10 weeks ago, he should know better than to comment on my body or lack of firmness. I pray my bod can be returned to its previous state.

work, I want better

I'm stir crazy. I can't stop looking for a new job. This usually doesn't happen to me until the dead of winter but I keep surfing for websites that will showcase a new fabulous new life I always mention I want. I found these couple firms the other day and by 9pm was sitting at my laptop, tears streaming down my cheeks, thinking- what happened to me? Do I have the talent to even apply. See this: http://www.doddmitchell.com/ or http://www.dupouxdesign.com/ (the employee profiles on dupoux design is what finally brought on the tears, all of them appear so interesting) Instead, I work here http://www.esgarch.com/. I don't know if it was wishful thinking or even if I feel settled where I am but I always had bigger ideas for myself. A week or so ago, I had to turn down a job offer in Santa Barbara, there just wasn't enough money offered to pack up the family and start over but I can't help thinking it over and over- I could have gotten out of here. I have to say though, I am so attached to my friends, family, even the industry I work in. It would be lonely for a while but it would be so fun to start over in a way. I can't help but feel it is extremely selfish of me to want to move though. The boys deserve their million cousins and my parents would absolutely shrivel up and die (especially since I am their sole surviving child now) Maybe some opportunity will show up here in Minneapolis and when the boys are older, we take on a higher profile, great design firm.

beautiful broken english

So Helio has been very active doing his handiwork around the house. I am delighted that he is actually getting things done. However, I must monitor at all times from a distance. This is tricky. Tonight he came home with a new shower rod. He put a decent shower type assembly into our upstairs bathroom. I was totally floored that he didn't opt for the cheap version of a shower rod (he must have not seen them at Home Depot). It looks not too bad. The best part is I won't have to shower in the basement this winter when it is freezing cold. He plans to finally dig up the basement floor and run new plumbing so he can actually finally finish up the second bathroom that we so desperately need, thus the need for a functioning shower upstairs.

Last week, he finally figured out what was wrong with our stereo system and rerouted/rearranged our speakers. He was trapped behind our TV when he asked me to go to the garage and get his silicon. I asked for what of course as I was trying to feed Dante and watch Levi through the front window to ensure he didn't wander out of the neighbor's yard and into direct contact with the light rail. He wanted to silicon one of the speakers to the wall behind the TV. Of course, he was not allowed. Silicon has become his answer to everything. He has siliconed the following: the picnic table, a decorative plaque to the exterior of our house, the bathroom sink, the kitchen sink, and has informed me of his intension to now silicon the tilework in the "new" shower upstairs.

Tonight after he finished with the bathroom- or what he considers finished, I will have to go back in and clean up all the displaced soap, shampoo and hair products, he started explaining further plans for our 5' x 5' bathroom. He said he wanted to build a shelf into the wall. I have learned to not panic and just listen. Of course, I will find roadblocks to put infront of him before he can start blowing into our wall. He must have noticed my disapproval because in his broken English he started defending himself by saying, "not too dick, not too dick" To which I burst out laughing and said, Helio, the term is "not too deep, there is a huge difference".

Its not fun holding up a shower rod while you have to instruct your husband to actually measure so that the rod is level and placed at the same distance from the neigboring wall on both sides. But it is fun to make fun of him for his misuse of the word dick.