12.29.06 Day 11, Mexico Trip 1

I had a terrible dream last night that Levi wasn’t really mine and I had to give him back. (He was actually Jackie Maher’s little boy, the Kohler rep) I was sobbing in my sleep and kept calling my mom to say, what do I do? Levi means everything to me. I think that being here in Jona makes me feel like I have nothing familiar and Levi is the only thing that keeps me feeling normal. (Him and my laptop) I am getting ready to blow this pop stand.

I think I passed the threshold from trying to be humored by this experience to crabby about it yesterday (Friday). I am sick of little kid birthday parties and stopping at everyone’s house to just say “hi”. There has to be more to a day than that. There is more to me than just producing children and watching them swat at a Paper Mache cartoon characters. I want to do something. I tried to explain to Helio that it isn’t everyone who gets to take a near month off from work and go sit in a foreign country. I want to take advantage of my time. I don’t mind doing nothing; let’s just go do it at the beach. I want to go shopping. Helio has a hard time even giving me pesos to buy a diet coke with. (Coca light) I am going to confiscate the money that I had him recently take out of the account and hold on to it. I am sick of asking and being given a lecture every time I spend money about how long that could last him vs. me wanting to buy more soda. I keep telling him, people here may be poor but we are not poor. He doesn’t see it that way.

We went to Andrea’s (Rafa’s youngest) birthday party last night. The piñata was twice the size of Levi. Levi was a bit nutty the whole time because his mom didn’t think ahead and give him something to eat before we went. He yelled and ran around during the pallasos (clowns) skit. I get so uncomfortable when my kid just won’t behave like all the other kids especially when we are the only 2 gringos in the group and the clowns continue to say to my kid “seintense guero” (sit down whitey). We were told to arrive at 5 but of course the party didn’t get started until 6:30 and they didn’t eat until 7:30. He was so hungry that the soupy tamales they served were just fine by him. I nearly started crying. I just want a regular plate of food where it tastes good, was prepared hygienically, and I get full, preferably with a great cup of coffee and a to-die-for dessert after dinner. I haven’t had a meal in who knows how long. I literally had tears well up in my eyes when they brought me my plate of soggy tamales, a small bun with something that tasted like tuna on it, Jell-O (the hard kind made from scratch, not the Bill Cosby Jell-O) and wet cake that sort of looked like hosed down tiramisu after it sat on my plate for a while. The only thing I have eaten for the past couple days is buttered noodles with parmesan cheese and orange juice, and those are things I look forward to. I just want some food and I don’t want to get sick from it.

Helio has become crabby with me and has taken to calling me a “Reina” -queen. I am really trying to make do here but this feels crazy. I have had 1 hot shower since I arrived, I am hungry, I feel like I am constantly at a family party, I haven’t had a moment alone with Helio and haven’t had this much time to parent Levi since he was an infant. I am glad to have the time with Levi but when he wants to run all over and not listen, I just want to bring him to daycare and go to work. Does that make me the world’s worse mom? I am sure that many people talked about us after the birthday party last night and I hate that. You are just put so on display and I am so tired of it. -Especially the women. Jodi and Jose Luis were there and they kept trying to tell me that things were fine; they just don’t have a super active 2 year old and a husband who thinks that it is fine to let him stand up on the chairs and stick his fingers in the cake before it is cut.

Well- I am off to try to get a better attitude about things. Maybe if I had some me time and a little bit of privacy I could turn this boat around?